Have you ever had something happen to you that is just burned in your mind and you can't get it out for what ever reason? I don't know if it's just because it's been brought up here lately, so it triggers me to think about it. The things that I endured when I was a kid, was something I would never like anyone to experience. Ever.
WARNING!!!!!!
What you are about to read may make you sick but this is what I feel the need to say and I'm going to say it rather than keep it in.
I've been called every name in the book, from a liar, to I'm play the victim. Let me guide you through what I endured as a child so then.......maybe then people will learn to keep their mouths shut and mind their own business.
The man pictured above, is my step-dad! From the mere early age of 5 is when he started. First it was just simple touching me. Things progressed and progressed, from not being able to sit on one end of the couch that could see all the way down the hallway where if you were sitting in that spot only you could see down the hallway. He would stand there and just play with himself. He only did that when I was sitting there. Try not being able to sleep because he would come in my room and masturbate right over my bed and try and touch me as I was sleeping, or rubbing his penis on my arm. I would tell him "Leave" "Please Leave" he would say "I'm not hurting you." I would say leave before I scream he would then say go ahead I will kill you. So I would repeat my self over and over till he would just leave. The only days something would not happen is if I coaxed my little brother into sleeping in my bed where I would just hold him tight, and sleep the whole night. Such an amazing feeling to not worry if he was going to come in my room those nights. Literally sleeping with one eye open on most nights. Trying to stay up so late until your exhausted and you eyes can't stay open anymore. I have carried this sleeping pattern as an adult. Laying there just thinking about it getting scared and having to have one hand braced on my husband knowing that he's here next to me and I'm ok!
This is the stuff I dealt with since the age of 5! The one incident that bothers me the most and gets me teary eyed was when I was 12 years old. I think it's because my oldest son is about to turn 12 and he is a child, I just sit here and think how my innocence was ripped right from me! My mom had just left and one of my brothers just left with his friend. I was sitting in mine and my little brothers room playing the video game. I heard the door handle turn and there he was. I knew just by the look on his face something was about to happen, I glanced back to the tv screen and that when he tackled me from the my little brothers chair I was sitting on. The controller flew and hit the wall and I landed smack on the ground hard with this man on top of me. He had my arms above my head so hard I couldn't move them so I kicked, screamed "STOP, STOP, PLEASE GOD STOP....MOM, SOMEONE HELP ME." Nobody could here me. As he had my hands above my head he took my shorts and underwear off and had his penis out as soon as he touched me, I became violent, fighting with everything I had. I managed to get my arms free, knocked his glasses off, ripped his watch clean off his wrist. Then he stopped! He got up picked up his watch, glasses, pulled his pants up, looked at me and said your not hurt get up. I had wore myself out beyond belief. I remember breathing so hard, I thought my chest was caving in. I got up as he left and shut the door, put my clothes back on and cried. That's the day I wanted to die! I couldn't take it anymore. This went on for 3 more years until I was removed my from my home and put in protective custody. I lived in a group home for some time until I was eventually put in foster care. He remained in the home with my younger siblings. He was also never charged with any crimes. I was not his first case and we all know they don't stop. I'm always asked why did I come back to my moms when I turned 18. Simple, I always felt the need to protect my sister, and since he was never charged I look like the dumb ass. This continued until my mom finally divorced him when I was 22! He would still grab my butt and do this thing where he would walk by and make this noise. Even on one incident where a friend of mine was at my moms house and it was just us and him. He ordered some pizza and as we were eating the pizza he walked by and said you know what you have to do for that pizza right? My friend just grabbed what was left of the pizza in her hand looked at me and said "fuck this shit, we're out." It's not funny but how she said it and how she through the pizza in the box made us both laugh and sure enough we got the hell out. He still did sick stuff that would make you vomit, I would get sick to my stomach but what was I to do. Call the cops, we all know how that turned out last time. I figured it was ok and in a since that I deserved it.
I have really bad days now as an adult when I wake up crying and my husband just grabs ahold of me and tells me it's ok. He backs me up 100% and and helps guide me through this rough patch. So grateful that he's in my life. I know it's a long road and I will get there eventually. One day at a time.
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